my shrinking world

Still Here

2006-02-21T12:46:00.000-05:00

Hi guys. Sorry I haven't posted in a long while. Things here have just been crazy hectic. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know that's no excuse but it has. To start things off Jac got excepted so far to University of the Arts in Philly, and to Fashion Institute of Design in NYC. She didn't get into MassArt, and is waiting to here from School of Visual Arts. She did however, decide on UARTS and mailed her completed enrollment for in today. Whoo fucking hoo, they also gave her a artist grant of $9K per year. So that is like getting a free year. I am so proud of her. Jealous too but mostly proud ;) Today is my baby's birthday. He turned 4. Growing up so fast. He is lucky he is cute or he won't make 5! LOL The lst few weeks I have engrossed myself in all the tricky tray work. It will be like this non stop now til after April 1st. I can't wait for it to be all over. I keep have dreams that it is the morning of and I haven't wrapped a single basket. God help me!!! I had a Creative Memories show on Sunday and sold over $500 worth of products. It was a good day. I also went and saw a psychic last week. It was such a surreal experience. She told me that by the end of the year we will be ok financially. That was a pleasure to hear. I can't see how but who am I to argue. She told me that Tommy(my first husband) never leaves my side. She also mentioned he was happy to see I was wearing his ring. I had put on a ring he bought me, that had been gathering dust in my jewelry box. How weird was that. She told me my dad was happy I was wearing his ring too. Of course I was as well. So funny. She also wanted to know who Rob was. I told her he was my highschool sweetheart. She said it was weird she was picking up on him. I said well I drove past his house on the way here. So that was weird too.... As for the world of NS I am outta control. I have been on and off the last month. I finally had hit wonderland only to blow it the following week. My focus has been gone. I need to find it really soon too. I don't want to go back into the larger size pants I just put away. Guys help me!!!!!!PLEASE...LOL

Onderland no more

2006-02-06T08:59:00.000-05:00

Oh well, as you can see by my post that I enjoyed my time in Philly. We left the house around 6:00 am to go over to starbucks to get our morning coffee for the long ride. Damn, place was closed. We waited for 15 minutes then decided to drive to another one which was about 5 minutes away. We get there , and low and behold there is a note on the door saying they would be closed until 9:00...morning wasn't starting out so hot. After we got on the turnpike we did stop about an hour later...thank god cause I need my coffee. The trip went pretty smooth and we got into Philly around 8 with about an hour and a half to kill. So we went to the starbucks right across from UARTS. Now I was starving and didn't bring any food with me. So what did I have..Did I opt for the lowfat stuff...Hell no I had a pumpkin cream cheese muffin. It really wasn't to good and I didn't eat the whole thing. Jac's interview went well, so she thought. She felt really confident, which is a good thing. Hopefully she will get in. It will gave us a reason to go to philly more. After we left the school we went to the Liberty Bell. We haven't been sightseeing in Philly for a few years so we were shocked with all the security. After touring the bell, we decided to go for a horse and buggy ride. It was getting grey so we wanted to do it before the rain hit. It was a great ride but it did start raining while we in the buggy, thankfully there is a canopy and we had a nice blanket keeping us all warm. Next it was off to Betsy Ross's house. I just love this place. After that it was off to Cosmi's Deli for some cheesesteak. We almost had to go around the block to Geno's as there was no place to park, but after circling a few times we found a good spot. Now Cosmi's in my opinion is the best place for cheesesteak, it is off the beaten path, and if you didn't know about it, would pass it by. But oh my god is their food great. Needless to say I went with the intentions of splitting my steak with Barry. However, once inside Barry said no way. LOL. So do you think I ate just half of mine. No freakin way. I stuffed myself to the point of no return. I thought I would blow I was so stuffed. After gorging ourselves, it was off for some more sightseeing. After that we went over to Cherry Hill, NJ to shop, then back home. Then I ate some more...OHH Boy..onderland was a nice place to visit. On Sunday I woke up with a horrible feeling and I turned to Barry and said "have you seen Poot?" He said no but he would look for him. We searched high and low and that damn cat was no where to be found. I was heartbroken. I figured he had slipped out on Sat. morning while we were all half asleep. That meant that my deaf, delclawed,17 year old cat was out all day and night in the cold rain. My poor heart was broken. I had to take Joey to a birthday party so I didn't have time to sulk. As soon as I got home I made up flyers and posted them around the neighborhood. By the time we got back in from putting up the flyers we had already gotten a call that someone had found him. They knew he was a house cat and kept him in their basement. Said they found him in the morning barely standing. My poor baby. I cried like a baby at the sight of him. However, after all the love he has gotten over the past day, I think he might try to run away again. I went out last night and bought some stuff to bring over to the very nice people. Barry thinks I am nuts, but after all they took care of my baby. Back to the eating party I had been having. I was good all day then last night when I got home from the store, Barry was looking for some treats. I really wanted some too. So back in my car to head off to Starbucks. I got us both the toffee nut bar. Ohh so good and about a million calories. Then before bed, a bowl of cookie crisp. What is wrong with me??? I gotta be outta my freakin mind. DId anyone notice how much Starbucks I had in the last few days. Guess you can tell my New Years resolutions aren't going to well. Oh well today we start fresh again....

Onderland, Baby

2006-02-02T10:09:00.000-05:00

Whoo freakin hoo!!!! I finally made it. I was having a good few days so I figured what the hell, lets jump on the scale this morning...and what do my wondering eyes see???? 198.5 looking back at me!!!!!!! I have to tell you it feels so good. Just puts me back on track. I mean I know Saturday I will not be perfect. We are going to Philly and you just gotta have a cheesesteak...it's the law...LOL However, I am sure with all the walking we will do it will keep the weight gain to a minimum. So I am happy to say I feel excited again. As far as stuff at home things are ok. Once again I say not perfect but not bad. I pretty much spend all my days working on the tricky tray or busing the kids around to playdates, school and karate. It's all good. At night Barry and I have gotten into our heavy tv schedule Sun-Weds. We have been doing ok. I still think something is off but I can't figure it out. I did have a tricky tray meeting the other night and he was much more helpful with the boys then he has been. He is trying and I give him credit. I had another Creative Memories show on Friday. It went ok, but the sales were a bit low. I just don't know how all these people make a lot of money with it. Most of the women that attend the shows are stay at home moms on very limited income. I gotta find rich friends.

Long time no post

2006-02-01T09:39:00.000-05:00

Hi all!!! Guess I have not been around lately. So sorry. Things around here are pretty much the same. Still struggling with keeping on track. I came so close to onderland and then blew it over the weekend and gained a pound. So I am at 201...Urgggg. We spent a wonderful day in the city on Sat. Jac had her portfolio review at Fashion institute of Design. So we took the boys to Washington Square Park where they have the most wonderful kids park. The place is surrounded by an 8 foot fence with only one entrance that locks. Barry and I always sit by the gate (just in case) . The boys love it there and they get to meet all different kinds of people. The weather was beautiful, it was just a nice relaxing day. Anyway, we stayed a bit longer in the city and didn't get back to our neighborhood till almost 5. Now we had not eaten anything since 9:30 so we were quite hungry. Barry said...Let's go get soup and salad at olive garden...Sounded good...Ohh No....We ordered brucetta..so yummy..and I had the salad with those terrific breadsticks, and pasta...Barry did have the soup and the salad but let me tell you so not even close to being on program. However, it was a great day..so what's a few more pounds. :) Then on Monday my period(sorry Bob) cravings kicked in about 20 notches. I ate everything in site. Really anything that was food went right into my mouth. Good lord I am probably up to about 205 again. So as you see I still sit here struggling. I seem to have lost my "niche". I so have to find it. I was doing really great. Getting lots of compliments and I actually fit into a smaller size jeans. However, after another few days of this no more smaller jeans. Why does this have to be so hard?

Saturday afternnoon blues

2006-01-21T14:21:00.000-05:00

Hi all. Not much going on these days. Last night I had another scapping workshop, only one person showed up. It was ok though cause I got lots of stuff done. Only bad point of the night...when I have people over to scrap, they come to relax and get away from their families. This is my job. Barry is suppose to watch the boys upstairs out of sight. However, he has yet to do this correctly. The kids are only allowed downstairs to say hello and then that is it. Well, he gave them a bath, then told them to clean there rooms. He went into our bedroom shut the door and played guitar. 3 times my little one came downstairs. Then a bit later he put a movie on for them to watch. I went upstairs to bring him a cup of tea..the kids wanted stuff to drink, and eat. Does he take care of it....no I have to and they follow me downstairs. Then while watching tv he falls asleep, so down they come 4 more times to get more cookies and just check out what is going on. Thank god the lady that was here didn't mind. He is so supportive until he has to do something. I mentioned it to him and he said they never came down. I am so glad he was watching them...
Today he is off to NY to take his voice over lesson. I am so happy that he has found something that interests him and that can make a few extra bucks on the side. Only downside is that once again I am alone taking care of the kids. He is going to take the classes on Sat.'s for awhile when he has the time. However, cause of the distance it means he will be gone pretty much all day. Today he left at noon and probably wont be back until after 6:00pm. I am just lucky that Frankie is over his friends house and Joey loves having alone time playing with Frankie's toys..shhhh don't tell Frankie.
So today I am catching up on Tricky Tray work. Damn sometimes this is worse then a full time job. The pay sucks even worse then housewife/mother. In some ways it is just what the doctor ordered, as I get to use my mind and my office/people skills. On that note I have about another hours worth, so I better get my fat ass in gear.

Moving forward

2006-01-18T08:33:00.000-05:00

Hmm let's see is is 18 days after the blogger challenge. So how am I doing? I was doing great till around Jan 3rd, then I started to struggle. Even with struggling I have managed to maintain my loss. Last week was really bad as I felt I was always hungry and somewhat deprived. So weird as I got through the holidays with a breeze, and now I am struggling. I put my mind to it and started really fresh as of Monday. So far so good. I have not eaten anything off plan, not even a bite. So hopefully the scale will start moving down some. I have also decided on what my next mini goal will be. That is after I hit my holiday goal of 200lbs. That is approx 3 more pounds to go. I did start to exercise. Billy Blanks boot camp...My god I thought I would die, and I only made it through 22 minutes of the 55 minute tape. Today I am shooting for 30 minutes, but I am sick so I am not sure if that will happen.
As for things at home. They are ok. Not great, not horrible. Sort of in the middle. Barry has started going back to some of his old ways. Falling asleep while we watch tv together. Now don't get me wrong, if he is tired he should sleep. However, go to bed. Then when I get to bed, don't think it's ok to have sex. If you can't stay awake to spend some time with me, then you shouldn't be able to stay awake to have sex with me. It just brings my sex drive all the way down. So as you can guess I am back with struggling with that again. Barry and I also talked about me going back into therapy for my depression. However, at this point I don't think we could afford it. But I will check with my insurance and see if we are covered. Then see if I can find the time.
As for now I need to take some medicine, drink my tea and lay down.

Thank you Edith

2006-01-16T11:24:00.000-05:00

Hi all!! Like the new look to my blog. For winning the NS blogger challenge Edith designed my blog for me. How cool is she....It looks great!!! Edith, I can't thank you enough. You rock :)

Sometimes you can't go back home

2006-01-09T10:44:00.000-05:00

I had a very long weekend. On Saturday Barry had an appointment on Long Island with a voice over coach. Barry asked us to come with him, being he was going out Sunday night to see a band play, and Sunday morning I was volunteering at the blood drive. Anyway, I wanted to come along anyway. The place was not too far from where I grew up. So I always get a kick out of touring my old stomping grounds. I also wanted to go to the cemetery to visit Tommy. I haven’t been there in years. Anyway, we went back to my “hood” before his appointment and planned on going to the cemetery after the class. The interview was only supposed to be an hour so we dropped Barry off and I took the kids to see where I went to high school and for me just to look around. It was fun for me. The kids on the other hand did not share in my enjoyment. It was back to pick Barry up around 5:15, so in case he got out early we were there. Then we waited…and waited. He didn’t finish up until 6:20. (Went great though, yah for him) Needless to say the hour in the car just sitting was like torture. The boys had been in this car since 2:30 and were not happy campers. Anyway, we decided it was time to get some dinner. It was now too late to go to the cemetery. So I wanted to go to a diner I remembered being really good. Only one problem, as we were driving to get there, I realized I can’t remember how to get there. OMG!!! Isn’t this the place where I lived for 26 years? The place I know like the back of my hand. Well, fuck me, I couldn’t find it. I got all emotional and very upset. At that point it dawned on me; I was no longer the girl I use to be. Every ounce of who I once was is now gone. It was such a sad moment for me. It hit me really hard. Gone is the girl who……. loved life, who had friends, who was a work a holic, who donated her time and money to charities, who loved sports, who loved spending time with her family, who always had a smile, who traveled, who was happy most of the time…that girl is no where to be found in this one…this one is sad and lonely. I hate who I have become. I am not sure at what point it all changed. A lot of the old me was gone once Tommy put that shotgun to his head. I lost a huge part of my heart and an even bigger part of my soul. I guess the rest happened once I moved out of NY. I left behind all I knew and loved. It was always hard, but I knew it was for a good reason. I was in the euphoria of a new romance, a new start on life that I didn’t see what would happen long term. I tried so hard to fit in with Barry and my new life that I completely change who I was. Then with the kids, it just took away the rest of me. Don’t get me wrong, I love Barry and all my kids beyond imagination. However, they suck the life right out of ya. I never imagined that being a stay at home mom would be so tough. I guess for a person that only had confidence at work, (I am a damn good employee) leaving that behind, left me empty. Then to spend all your day getting yelled at, whined at, bossed around by 2 little kids, is not good for ones morale. I hate to have to police everyone around here, and I do mean everyone. It gets tiring. I feel like I have taken on that role and I can never relax around here. Then all the time and energy I put in with Jackie…so draining, emotionally and physically. Then add in Barry and I. While we are better, we are not great. There is still something missing. Quite possibly it is just my state of mind. It is sad…I am sad….and I have said it before I am depressed.

I won I won

2006-01-05T16:09:00.000-05:00

Hello all. I am happy to report that I won the NS Blogger Challenge. I actually can't believe it. I thought for sure Bob was going to kick my ass. Then once I gained weight instead of losing it last week, I figured he had it in the bag. I guess cause it was done on body fat lost, being I have less to lose even though he lost a pound more then me, his body fat loss was lower. Maybe next time Bob. Now what did I win....I am actually not sure. I haven't heard from anybody yet. I can tell you what I did win myself was a sense of accomplishment. Even though noone really can police you on the challenge I did it for myself. Everytime I went off program I kept in the back of my head...you are doing this challenge, and I was never that bad. Now don't get me wrong, I did eat some bad stuff, but just not tons of it. So that is prize enough for me...unless someone wants to buy me a car ;)
Things at home are ok. I am feeling a bit crappy emotionally. Something that I have no idea why. Things here seem to be pretty good, but yet, I just feel disconnected at times. I think I have some mental problems, quite possibly some form of depression. Not sure but something is up. My sex drive is hot and cold again. Even when my body really wants to, my brain is saying just go to sleep. I am all fucked up.
Anyways, tonight I have a meeting with Jac's principal. She is being harassed by another girl. It has been going on forever, and it needs to stop. The schools antibulling policy is a piece of crap. So it is up to the stepmom once again to step in and get it taken care of. I am going to give him hell..i do enough for him and the school that they can accommodate me the one time I ask.

Sometimes you just need a burger

2006-01-03T12:48:00.000-05:00

Ok so New years was really nice, but glad it is over. I did manage to gain 2lbs, but hell for me that is fantastic. Yesterday, I still had this feeling of being food deprived. I wanted something all day but couldn't place my finger on it. Barry and I had talked about going to the movies sometime this week so I figured what the hell, lets go tonight so I can have popcorn. Well, we saw Syriana..what a horrible boring long movie. Anyway, it was a night out. After the movie was over, I was still feeling food deprived so we stopped at the diner and had a pizza burger and fries with mozzarella and brown gravy. Not exactly NS food. However, that satisfied me so much. Today when I woke up I had a new determination and drive. I felt so good to get that out of my system. I stopped off at the library and got a bunch of workout dvds. Start something off my resolutions list. I had my doctor appointment checkup today as well. My blood pressure was perfect. Guess the medication really works wonders. I am getting healthy body, mind and soul. Happy New Years to me !!!!!
Now if I could just kick the Starbucks habit LOL

My resolutions

2006-01-01T12:17:00.000-05:00

Happy New Years to all!!!

Ok so I have been thinking about my resolutions for the new year. This is something I never do, but figured it is good to have some goals to strive for.

1. Continue to work on my marriage and make it my # 1 priority.
2. Play more with my kids
3. Learn to relax a bit
4. Lose another 60lbs.
5. Start to exercise
6. Make my Creative Memories a successful business
7. Keep my house clean
8. Break my really bad Starbucks habit
9. Smile more
10.Do something just for me at least once a month

Now I know these are pretty boring, but these are things I don't do that much. I tried to be realistic with my goals. That's why you won't see take a vacation, or anything else costly on here. Maybe one day, but for now that is just unattainable.

So once again I wish you all a very Happy New Year and luck in achieving all your goals.

Life on another planet

2005-12-29T12:33:00.000-05:00

Ok so yesterday we took the boys into the city to see the tree. What a fun day. We took the train in. Their first time on a train. You would have thought we took them to Disney. They got such a big kick out of it. Then off to Times Square to go into the huge toys r us. Man I love that place. However, it was so jam packed that we did a circle around the store and that took about a half hour and we couldn't even enjoy it. We have to take them back another time to actually have them play and really get to see it. Barry and I are both afraid of heights so we couldn't even take them on the big ferris wheel. Oh well...Then next it was off to see the tree. Ohh we each got a pretzel too...My bad, but hell it was breakfast and we just walked 10 city blocks..LOL The tree was nice, but again so jammed packed. It was starting to droop a bit, but I got some nice pics. Then next it was off to Mars 2112. For anyone not familiar with the restaurant, it is so neat. It is suppose to be a restaurant on Mars. Well, the boys actually thought we went to Mars. It took us about 1.5 hours just to get to the rocket. They have a simulator that takes you to mars. I still can't believe the boys really thought we rocketed off to Mars. Anyway, the food there is just ok, but the place looks terrific. There are martians walking around. Some very fun stuff. I was bad as I had a furry martian. Which was coconut rum, peach snapps and other bad stuff. Very yummy. Then for dinner I had a chicken breast club sandwich. Not to bad as I took of the bread and some of the bacon. Notice I said some...I skipped dessert as I knew I still hadn't had my roasted nuts from the street vendors yet. After dinner we were figuring the boys would realize they were dupped, as the rocket ride is only there, and you walk out the back door to leave. However, I said, going home is really cool cause you leave from a space portal door that leads you right to earth. Ohh to be young again. They believed it. Pulled that one out of my ass!!!! Next it was that ohh so long walk back to Penn station, and my roasted nuts. Ohh boy were they good. We didn't get home until around 8 and I was beat. We stopped off at starbucks for some much needed caffeine on my part. When I get home I noticed they fucked up my coffee. Normally I would have just said screw it, but when you pay $4.00 for a coffee it should be right. So back in the car, for my correct cup of joe. After that Barry and I watched Sahara which was pretty good, and Matthew McCougnhey is ohh so hottttttt. Then the food cravings hit. So instead of going to bed, I sampled all the choc. we had in the house. Ohh well there goes my lead in the blogger challenge. Now if I could just get through New years!!

After Christmas chaos

2005-12-26T11:05:00.000-05:00

Wow, the first round of the holidays are over. Thank goodness. However, it will be months before I can see my living room floor again. The kids had a blast and got pretty much everything they wanted. Now Barry and I must look for another house to live in, as it looks like we live in the middle of toys r us. Good grief!! I managed to be terrific on Christmas Eve only having 2 pierogies, a kids bowl of the best creamy mushroom soup, some jello and a piece of cake. Oh and some champagne and a glass of baileys. Not to horrible. Christmas day was a bit worse. My mom did something unheard of in an Italian household on the holidays. She had it catered. However, oh my god was the food fantastic. I was good in the beginning just having only like 2 crackers with crab dip, and filling up on shrimp cocktail. Once that scrumptious food came out it was all over. I managed to take a taste of everything and went back for seconds. I would say out of both my plates I wasn't even half way close to what I would normally have. Then for desserts I had a half of a mini canolli and a piece of apple pie. So for my weight this week I was so scared to get on the scale. I weighed myself Sat morning before all the madness started. I was at 202.5 which was a 3.5 lb loss from last week. So I was thinking ok I have 3 lbs to play with. Just let me maintain that 206. Then an amazing thing happened this morning. I get on the scale with my fingers crossed...and the number looking back at me is 203. Whooo hooo...Ok now for my amazing secret...ready for this one.....After not eating any reach, creamy and ohh so bad foods for months...my stomach said utoh I can't have this...I wound up getting sick as a dog ... LOL ... So as a result Merry Christmas to me and managing to still have a 3 lb loss over Christmas. Hopefully next weekend will go ok as well...

Intense Emotions

2005-12-22T12:18:00.000-05:00

Ok so sometimes I am so dense it scares me. I for the life of me couldn't figure out why I was having dreams about Tommy again. Then last night in the middle of the Bon Jovi concert(more about that later)bamm it hits me so hard. See Tommy was my high school sweetheart. We shared so many things in common. One of the main things was Bon Jovi. Sitting at the concert just brought back a flood of memories, just like it does everytime I see them. I can contain myself up until the point when they play"born to be my baby". Then the eyes start to sting and those darn tears are just so hard to keep in. There is a part to the song that states"and you know that you'll live in my heart till the day that I die". Well he will. He will always have a special place in my heart. I loved that man with my whole heart and soul. If only he would have taken the doctors advice, got put on medication and continued counseling. However, his mood swings and erractic behavior just got the best of me. Towards the last few years we had together I just fell out of a romantic type love for him. I felt like I was his mommy at times, and emotional punching bag at others. It was such a sad thing to walk out of the house that day. I knew I would never be coming back. The last thing we did as a couple was see two Bon Jovi concerts back to back. The worst moment of my life to date and quite possibly ever, was to get the phone call that he had killed himself. I can remember almost going into immediate shock. I don't know why cause I knew he would do it. I tried to have him committed. They wouldn't do so. Said he wasn't really a threat. The shrink had him sign a stupid fucking piece of paper saying that if I feel suicidal I will call and seek help. Yeah, I am guessing when the shotgun was in his hand, that was the first thing going through his mind. After 10 years I still can't get over the pain and guilt I feel. It is so hard sometimes coping with the thought that you caused someone to kill themselves. Yeah, I know it wasn't my fault. blah blah blah, spent a long time in therapy with that one. However, at the time I was denying how much pain I was in, and sorta never really focused on it. At some point I know I have to go on the couch again. I have so many emotions that still swirl around in my head. I often get depressed and just don't know how to handle life. I scare myself sometimes when I think Tommy really had the answer. Life gets to be too much to bare, just check out. It's better then being doped up or killing yourself with a bottle. Quick and easy. However, it's the ones you leave behind that pay dearly. Fucked me up pretty royally for life I imagine. I guess you just don't get over it. What is really horrible for me is I have no one to really talk about it to. I can't with Barry...hmm let's think about that one. "Honey I am still grieving my first husbands death, I miss him so much sometimes, and it hurts so bad". Not a convo for a nice nite of snuggling in the Chabala household I am guessing. It was so hard last night trying to hold back all the tears. My emotions were all over the place. On one hand I was enjoying the night and the other I was in silent grieve mode. Anyway.....
So the night was a bit hectic. Trying to get stuff done before dinner and having the babysitter coming over. I managed though...We get to the arena and it is jam packed. We bought food for the food drive, and a raffle to win front row seats. (didn't win of course) We get to our seats which looked pretty suckful. All the way at the top...I was scared walking up. They turned out to be pretty great seats. Get comfy then we notice that you can text messages on the big screen that had on the stage. It was cool. People sending love for the band and each other. I notice Barry texting something. Like a little school girl I get excited thinking he is going to profess his dying love to me for the world to see, like so many others were doing. I should know better. No, no professing of love for Roe. What he choses to text is to make fun of my other favorite guy, Bo Bice. What an asshole sometimes. I mean for one.. what about me, for the other why spend the time and energy to make fun of me and trash someone who is trying hard to become a household name. Barry might have slapped me across the face, cause that's about how it felt. I knew years ago I should have switched teams. Ok back to the boys on stage. Jon rocked his heart out last night. This marked something like 26 times, and he was just as energetic as the first time I saw him 20 years ago. The man has the finest ass going, and he can move it with the best of them. Both Jon and Ritchie were on point with each other. Reminded me of the early years. The crowd and the band were on fire.Made my little heart proud. They kicked ass!!! To end this post lets part ways with a quote from my Jersey Boys..."I wanna live while I'm alive...I'll sleep when I am dead!"

Life is exhausting

2005-12-21T09:47:00.000-05:00

I know there are lots more people out there with more problems or more things on there plates. My hat is off to them. With the holiday running around and my daily life I am just beat. Mentally, physically-stick a fork in me cause I am done. Everytime I think I am close to done with shopping, something else pops up. It never ends...Christmas spirit bah hum bug.
Then the food thing is throwing me for a loop. Funny last week I gained .5 but I took the lead in NS Blogger challenge. This week the numbers aren't in yet, but I think I might still be in the lead. I had a 3.5 lb loss. Note to self, send Bob and Edith a basket of Godiva. I am sure over the next two weeks they will beat me hands down. I have been doing lots of kids treat bags, and baking...one kiss for the treat bags, one for me...that kinda thing. Tomorrow I am making cookies. Good Lord it never ends.
On the homefront, Jackie has a new boyfriend. Yippee for her. He seems nice enough. Not to sure as we met him for all of 5 minutes. We have had her invite him to come over twice both times he made up a lame excuse. So from the parental point of view, we are not to thrilled. Sends up all kinds of red flags. Plus, although I am not old fashioned in lots of ways, I still believe that a guy should pick up his date. No, not him, he had her drive out to his house so they can hang out. Sucks for her cause she came in late and had her curfew bumped down an hour again. She has also been blowing off school again. Poor kid can't manage school and a social life at the same time. Something always gives. She has been doing so great too. Managed to get a 92 GPA this semester. We have a deal with her that she has to maintain a 85 or better GPA in order for us to pay for her to go to one of the better colleges. She also has been so "whatever" about getting her college portfolios and additional stuff ready. She got something in the mail last Thursday, Barry asked her what was it on Sunday, she is like"I never even looked at it". Well, to say the very least he was so pissed off at her. I don't blame him. The schools she has chosen over the course of 4 years will set us back approx. 125K. So figuring that will put us in debt for the next 10 years. All for someone who could care less. The holidays always make me a tad bit depressed. I miss my dad something fierce. He loved Christmas, and having the family together. It was his favorite time of year. Dam guy would always have the biggest smile on his face from Thanksgiving to New Years...sick I tell ya. Plus, I have been having dreams about my first husband again. Even after 10 years it is still always the same kinda thing..the dreams are always different but the gest of it turns out to be, that I always still think he is alive. I guess it is true what they say about needing to see a body to have closure. I wish my family would have let me identify him at the morgue. But hell then the nightmare could have been much worse. Who knows certainly not me.
Anyway I am just about sitting on the ledge.

Monday morning startover

2005-12-12T09:43:00.000-05:00

Ok so we had a really busy weekend. I had a creative memories party on Sat. That went really well. However, she had a ton of food there. I was able to not have anything but a piece of cheese. I did however, have a very small glass of liquor that she brought from Australia. It was a creamy thing very similar to baileys. I enjoyed it. Then on Sunday Frankie had another karate demonstration. The kids all kicked butt!! Best performance I have ever seen them do. Then we took the kids to the mall to see Santa. Did some shopping and some eating. I have to confess I had a slice of pizza, and then finished what Joey didn't eat. Bad, Bad, Bad. So my one question is, why when we fall off the wagon and feel so sucky about it, do we continue on for the rest of the night? Ok so after being out all day, I had to make crab dip for this school teachers tea Ihave this afternoon. Don't you know I ate about 5 lbs of it. Followed that up with some oreos. What is that all about??? With that all said I managed to gain only .5lbs. Today I am starting all over. I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth. With the holidays and all the cooking I am doing, it is so hard not to taste everything. I still have to make buffalo chicken dip. Then on friday I am having a crop party, so that is more snacky foods....No wonder everyone gains 20lbs around the holidays. Sucks cause I only have 10 lbs to get to onederland. I finally updated my photo on the NS site. Great cause on the other picture it looked like I was missing a tooth.

25 things about me you might not know

2005-12-07T09:06:00.000-05:00

1. I have 7 tattoos
2. My tongue is pierced
3. Favorite food is pizza(boy do I miss real pizza)
4. My dad was the person I admire most
5. My dad died almost 4 years ago
6. I have 3 sisters, 6 nieces and 1 nephew
7. My family is all nuts
8. Barry is my second husband
9. My first husband committed suicide when I moved out of the house
10. Spent lots of time in therapy after
11. I have lived in 11 houses, 8 cities and 2 states
12. I love animals
13. Scared to death of bugs
14. Was robbed at gunpoint
15. My bra and underwear always match
16. I have a boot fetish
17. I love the rain
18. Can sleep all day if you let me
19. Am a night owl
20. I had 2 miscarriages
21. I was a preemie-2.5 months early
22. I have been overweight my entire life
23. I have seen Bon Jovi in concert over 20 times. Going once again in 2 weeks.
24. A psychic told me I would meet my soul mate when I was 26. I met Barry when I was 26 ;)
25. My biggest fears are dying before my kids are grown, or them dying before me.

Falling in love all over again

2005-12-05T13:38:00.000-05:00

Wow, my post time is getting longer and longer. It seems my days are getting busier and busier. Who says stay at home moms don't work. I find that I do more running around and projects then my working friends. I just don't get any respect or pay for it. The tricky tray alone takes up all my time. I am so glad this is my last year running it. It still boggles my mind with how little parents get involved with their kids school.
Ok so last week I gained something like 3 or 4 lbs. Not to good...This morning the scale was very kind I lost all that plus, another 2.5. So my total is 26lbs. Not to shabby. I am pleased.
Now as for my title of this post....Brings me to my love life. Things between Barry and I are going really well. I almost hate to say it out loud. It has been so nice. We have both set our minds to working on things. He is blowing me away with his efforts. We are continuing with our date nights. My sex drive kicks in a lot more then it was. I find myself just looking at him with a new found love. It is nice. I can now again see myself with this man for the rest of my life. For awhile it was touch and go.

Long time..No post

2005-11-27T10:51:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving all!! Ok so I am days late, but I have been busy. Things around here are the usual hecticness I have come to accept and somewhat love. When I have a few free minutes I find I don't know what to do with myself.
On, Weds, it was Frankie's birthday. Happy 6th Birthday my baby boy. I went to school and read a story to his class, then they enjoyed cup cakes with the best frosting ever. Hmm wonder how I know that :) At night he had karate practice, so the whole family went to that then off to Rattlesnake cafe for some terrific Mexican food. Frankie's choice and he is funny cause he gets fries with honey mustard...silly kid..Barry, Jac and I induldged like mad....
Thanksgiving we went to my mother in laws..Ate soo soo much...quiet day and actually very enjoyable.
Black Friday Jac and I got up early and hit the stores by 6:00am. I got some good stuff for the tricky tray. Then I hit toys r us..to my surprise I got in and out in 20 minutes getting everything on my list for the day. Go Me!! That night was Frankie's karate demo. It was held outside and the kids had to take off their coats. It was fucking freezing out. We said never again.Frankie had a smile on his face the whole time. So I guess next year I will wear warmer clothes. ;)
Saturday was my first Creative Memories show. It was a bust. Most of the people she invited didn't show up. I had a lot of fun anyway, but once again ate too much, and I drank too much. The scale isn't going to be kind tomorrow. Oh well...I am sure I will fall to the end of the list on the blogger challenge. It's ok though. This is the way my life will be forever. So sometimes you just gotta deal with some weight gain. Barry on the other hand looks like he lost more weight..I hate him :(
Today is Frankie's kids party at the fun plex. Should be lots of fun. I am just not looking forward to all the gifts that have to come into this house. I need a house just for the kids crap.
Off to shower and start my day!!

Exhausted

2005-11-21T08:40:00.000-05:00

Wow, what a long and busy weekend. Friday night I held my first crop. Only two people showed up. I thought there would be at least one more, but she had to cancel last minute. It went well and they left early which was great. We were in bed by midnight. Then up at 5:15 to get ready to MA, to see Mass Art. It was almost a 5 hour drive there. The school itself was really nice. I think this is actually her first choice now. Mine as well. Great art work all around. The first school we have visited that you can see the kids actually learn something. I hope she makes it in. We got home around 9:00 and went to be around 9:30. I don't think I have gone to be that early since I was in grammar school. I was so beat. Next it was up early again to get ready for my family's November birthday party. I still had some cleaning up to do, and some last minute cooking. It went well, but my family is a bunch of wackados. So it is always interesting to say the very least. Frankie got some cool toys, so he was happy. Then we watch tv and were in bed again by 11:30. Seems like a trend. Barry and I are both wiped. Plus, just thinking about the coming week, is just as exhausting. I need some stay awake drugs.

Can't teach an old dog new tricks

2005-11-18T16:01:00.000-05:00

Ok so I did something so stupid last night. Let me explain my night then I will get to the stupid part. Barry and I had a date night planned. First it was off to school for Frankie's teacher conference. He is doing very well. He has the best handwriting in the class. Very smart kid, gives her no problem whatsoever. Way to go Frankie. Next it was off to Costco to buy some stuff for the party on Sunday. We finished up by 7:00 then decided to go home before the movie, cause it didn't start until 9:10. When we get home Jac is sorta depressed and moody. She had come home from school early with a belly ache. We tried to explain that she is just running herself ragged. She puts in way to many hours at her new job. She is an odd teenager in the fact that this kids needs her 8 hours a sleep. Myself when I was her age was lucky if I ever got more them 4 a night. ANyway she starts stresses about college applications and getting them all. Again most of Jac's problems stem from Jac. She has know about the application for at least 6 months but because they should be submitted next weekend she now decides to work on them. Anyway she is stressing and starts to cry. Breaks my heart on one hand, and annoys me on the other. We calm her down and are getting ready to leave. She asks me when am I going to take her to see Harry Potter. I explain that not at least for a week and a half cause I am very busy at night with school and karate stuff. Barry and I leave and go to Starbucks first. Gotta have my skim, sugar free hazelnut latte..It takes us a bit long in there so we have to take the coffee with us. Only problem is they don't allow outside stuff in the theater. So we were like kids sneeking it in...very funny stuff. We discussed Jac and how worried we are about her and her future. Then Barry put the kabash on th esubject and said no kid talk..that was nice. We saw Derailed. Excellent movie...Anyway after a great evening we are walking out of the theater and we see tons of people waiting online. Weird at that time. So I ask and they say they are waiting for the midnight show of Harry Potter...so I get excited and tell Barry, I am going to call Jac and have her meet me here, and she can blow off school, maybe take her mind off things, sort of a distressed if you will. I call her she is excited, and Whammm it hits me...stupid stupid stupid..This was suppose to be about Barry and I as a couple. I have such a hard time getting rid of the mommy hat and just wearing the wife one. What is wrong with me?? He must think I don't like spending my time with him, when nothing could be further from the truth. When things are going along smoothly there is not another person in the world I would rather be with..but once again I pushed him aside for the kids....dumb dumb dumb...I am trying I really am....
Then on another note I had a really scary experience while food shopping today. There was a guy following me around the store. Then when I left to put my cart back he appeared in his car following me back to my car. He said he wanted to talk to me all morning but didn't think I would like him. I told him of course I would of said hello but I am married. He was just odd, freaked me the fuck out. Gave me goosebumps all day. It's one thing to talk to someone, it's another thing to follow them and wait for them to come out of the store.
Tonight I have my first scrapbook crop. Not too many people coming which is a good thing. Wish me luck.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

2005-11-17T09:46:00.000-05:00

Morning all!!! Well I got my hair cut and colored yesterday. Not so sure I like it. I wanted blonder highlights and these seem to have a reddish tone. Hopefully in a few days it will grow on me. I had her cut lots off.Probably about 5/6 inches. All I kept thinking when she was cutting away is...There is another few ounces gone. Sick right. I actually got on the scale this morning to check. Sure enough another pound down from yesterday. Whoo Hoo Hoo...I have issues, I know;)
Tonight Barry and I have Frankie's teacher conference. My big boy. After that we are out for another date night. Can you believe it. Seems we are really doing it this time. I actually thought of canceling cause I have so much shit to do. Then I stepped back and though, fuck it! This is the reason for date night. We owe it to each other to take a step back from all the other shit we have going on and do something for us. Cause as you all know us just sometimes doesn't happen. So I am looking forward to going out and being a couple. Not parents, not employees, not PTA or home and school people...just a man and a women in love. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
Now for the running around part, I am off to shop shop shop. Need to get stuff for the weekend.

Rainy Days

2005-11-16T08:59:00.000-05:00

Morning all!! Got on the scale this morning. yes, I know it's not weigh in day, but I couldn't resist this morning. Whoo Hoo I am down another 1.5lbs. That puts me over the 20lb. mark. I am very excited about that. I am actually starting to see some difference in my clothes. I go tonight to get my hair cut and colored. A whole new me. It feels good. Things around here have been hectic. I am trying so hard to get everything done. Seems I may have once again over extended my self..What a shocker. LOL Barry went to take a voiceover class on Monday. He is really excited about it. Good for him!!! He needs something to get excited over. He is thinking about taking some private lessons in NYC. Hopefully he can make something happen. He deserves it. Today is a pretty busy day. Lots of running which I better get to...

Monday's thoughts

2005-11-14T09:48:00.000-05:00

Morning all! Well today was weigh in. Not too good, not too bad. I stayed the same which for me was a really great thing. Yesterday I was over my girlfriends house for a scrapbooking party. I ate all kinds of bad things-ok they were really good just not on program. Plus, there were other cheats during the week. So I say thank you to the diet gods that I didn't gain about 5 lbs. Good note was I finally finished the Halloween candy. So that is out of the way. This week I am going to kick butt on the NS blogger challenge, so look out.
Everything on the home front is going well. We went to look at another college this weekend with Jac. Barry and Jac liked it a lot. I myself didn't care for it, but I guess that doesn't matter. Jac still has no clue as to what she want to do, so it makes life tough. We are expected to shell out over $35K a year for her to figure it out. She is the type of kid who has the talent(she wants to work somewhere in the art field)but she has no drive or motivation. Sad cause she could be great, but she just doesn't care enough. I am hoping that she will figure it out soon, otherwise it will just be a waste of her time. Barry has been trying so hard to make things work around here. I was out all day yesterday, and when I got home, he had straightened up the house and had started to work on the leaves. I was so impressed. For those of you who don't really know Barry he is a wonderful man, but to get him to do stuff is a job in itself. So for me this was another great gesture to how much he is willing to work on us. I am starting to feel much better about myself as well. My mood seems brighter. I am starting to feel like a person again. It has been such a long time since I felt like that. I am going to get my haircut on Weds. I have decided to start getting my nails done again. I guess I was just feeling so fat and frumpy that, that is exactly what I have become. So the new/old me is starting to emerge again. On that note I wish everyone a happy monday, now its time for breakfast :)

A new lease on life

2005-11-10T12:18:00.000-05:00

Let's see, I have adopted the think positive way of living. I am going to try really hard to apply this to all areas in my life. Diet wise, I am still struggling with staying on track. All the candy really gets to me. I have allowed the kids to eat way too much, to get it out of the house quicker. Bad mommy!!! I keep eating at least one piece a day. Notice I said at least..LOL. Anyway, I am feeling really good weight wise. The 19lbs is starting to show in some of my clothes. For sure I can see a tad bit difference in my face. I need to exercise. I have to find something that I can actually handle. My body is getting old, and my knees don't do well, and I can't lie flat on a hard surface, thanks to sciatica. SO I am a wreck in those areas...In time that will all change. I can only imagine after I drop 100lbs. These will both get much better.
At home things seem to be going really well too. Barry and I are making an effort. I think things will work out. However, we just have to remember that a successful marriage is a lot of work. Good things never come easy.
I got my kit for Creative Memories yesterday. I am feeling really good about it. I have something to look forward to. I think that is the most positive thing I can do for myself. Hell, if I make some money all the better. I already have 2 shows booked. I am so excited I can't tell ya!
Life is good :)

Hump Day

2005-11-09T12:32:00.000-05:00

I just love the name hump day. Such a silly thing but it always makes me laugh. Who in the world came up with that one...
So speaking of humping..things have been going pretty good in my bedroom. Much more action then in the past few weeks. I have to say the weight loss for both of helps out a lot. I didn't realize how much the extra pounds interfered with the love making. I noticed the other night that wow, we can do that again. Things between us have been getting better. Still not perfect but on the right track. We kept our promise to each other and had another date night. Went to go see Prime. Very cute chick flick. As always I enjoyed his company. He has been trying alot around the house as well. He is doing things without me even having to ask...He is also going to work on Frankie's school newsletter. That is great cause he is showing an interest in Frankie's school. So I have to say he is doing all the right things. I am trying as well too. Trying not to get to wound up in the negative. Smiling more, and just relaxing during sex.
Today is a cold and rainy day. I decided to stay in my jammies all day(I looked cute at the bus stop). Maybe take a nap later too...I love days when I can just chill..now there is lots to do around here but I think I am going to blow it all off.
Kids are mental today as always. Yesterday I thought I would jump off the roof. Today seems a bit better, but Frankie's not home from school yet.

Monday Morning Rant

2005-11-07T16:16:00.000-05:00

Hey all. Whoo Hooo Hooo...I Lost another 2lbs...How did I do it...Haven't a fucking clue..I am doing the happy dance all over the place... LOL

Busy weekend, which for me is always good. Too much time on my hands makes me think to much. For me thinking to much can never be good. Friday night I had a candle party at my friends house, then stayed until after midnight just bullshitting. Then Saturday I had a scrapbook workshop all day. What a nice time I had just chatting with my friends. I also have decided to start selling Creative Memories. I think that will be a positive thing for me. Give me something else besides my family. It sucks cause at this point my life is totally revolved around them. Even my hobby(scrapbooking) is about them. So to sell the merchandise we give me an outlet that has nothing to do with them at all. Plus, it will give me a few bucks to contribute to all the bills that just never seem to go away. I am hoping it will make me feel better on so many levels. See, I have always worked some kind of job since I was 12 and my dad wouldn't buy me the jordache jeans I wanted. So I got a paper route and bought them myself. It sucked cause he bought them for my friend, cause he got the smaller sized pants for a cheaper price. He wouldn't spend the extra $10 for my fat ass...It taught me a lesson that I have held dear to my entire life. Nobody is ever going to do things for you..you have to do them yourself..Anyway I had always worked, and sometimes 2 jobs. Once I had the kids, I quit and became a SAHM. Wow I wasn't expecting to be hit so hard by my new reality. For the first time in almost 2 decades I was not making any money. I had no cash. It made me feel horrible. Like I was not contributing to my marriage. Now don't all get in my face and say you contribute so much more. For me that was a tough one. It still is. I have always been able to support myself finacially. Letting go of that, is still too much for me to handle, even after 6 years. So, this is a positive thing. It will get me out of the house, meet other people that are older then 10, and make me feel like I have some self worth. Wish me luck.
Now I am off to take the kids to a playdate..back to reality

Another boring day

2005-11-04T19:10:00.000-05:00

Hey all! What beautiful weather we are having here in NJ. Today was a pretty normal boring day. Started to do some major shopping for the High School Tricky Tray. I have been neglecting my duties, and now it's time to get my ass in gear. So much to do, so little time. I actually have until March but the holidays really screw me up.
So far since yesterday I have been able not to put everything into my mouth(sorry honey)LOL. I was thinking I was never going to be able to get back on track. If this is my last month of food I don't want to waste it being dumb and eating everything in site. I am feeling good today, don't know why, but hell I'll take it :)
Maybe my mood has something to do with sex last night. Yes, people my sex drive has reappeared the last few days. Now if I can manage to stay awake we might be able to make good use out of it. I have begun to really soul search to see if I can find something concrete to blame the low drive on. After reading lots of blogs and responses I know this is something a lot of people go through. While, it finally makes me feel less like a freak, it still something that concerns me deeply. I know how much it bothers Barry. However, I don't think he realizes how much it bothers me. It is something I struggle with every day. I think back to when I really enjoyed sex, and thought it was fun, and exciting. Then it hit me...maybe that's part of my problem. I have stated before for me sex, is something of an emotional bond between 2 people. I think Barry and I just neglect our relationship so much, that the bond has been broken. With the kids and everything going on, we have allowed ourselves to not concentrate on "us" anymore. I feel neglected from him. To my point of view which I am sure is not 100% correct is that he spends to much time worrying about music, and not enough about the family. So I get all pissy at him, and don't want to be bothered.(I don't think I mentioned it but Barry plays guitar and is very passionate about his music). Anyway to me I feel like he puts in 100% effort on that but about 50% on the family. Now he thinks(at lead I think he thinks, he never says) I spend too much time on all the school stuff and the kids. What I thing after really reviewing it is that we are both right. I also think he we don't really make the effort for each other there is no way or marriage can last. Sex is such a little part of the problem. However, the problem is fixable and so well worth it.
So as you can see...I am thinking positive today :)

Hanging on by a thread

2005-11-03T09:52:00.000-05:00

Morning all!!! Having a hard time getting back on track. Damn that NS blogger challenge..I was hoping to win, now at this point I just hope to lose some weight. Halloween really through me for a loop. I am a chocoholic and the candy everywhere is killing me. I would have the kids hide it, but then I couldn't monitor how much they ate. Anyway, it goes even beyond the candy. It is the nibble and tastes that I really have to get in check on. The candy will be gone in a few weeks, but the N&T's are here to stay. Plus, Barry told me that we will have to go off the food plan when we run out of food. We just can't afford it. That sort of also puts a damper on this for me. I have tried everything else, and I can never stick to it. Neither can he. This just makes life easy and takes all the guess work out of it. I am lazy, and I know when it comes time for lunch, I will not follow whatever my "new"diet says too. This is just me. Fat old me. Whom I am guessing I will be fat forever. I will try whatever Barry comes up with, but I am not optimistic. Been there, done that...

Cold and Cranky

2005-11-02T11:57:00.000-05:00

Morning all. Boy, do I hate waiting at the bus stop in the morning. Brrr..I love the cold weather just not when I am waking up. Frankie doesn't seem to mind it, but he is a damn morning person. What is up with morning people???
Anyway today is a normal day. There is lots of cleaning to do. I can never seem to catch up. Frankie has a playdate after school. So I guess Joey and I will have to find something to do.
I am so glad October is over. The whole month just makes my insides in turmoil. It use to be my favorite month of the year. However, now it marks a sad anniversary which haunts me to this day. 10 years ago my first husband committed suicide. I guess that has a lot to do with my mood lately. It just adds to my depression. It is funny cause it seems like everyone forgot too. I guess for them it is over and done with. For me it will never be. It is a horrible feeling to feel like you are responsible for someone's death. I still have nightmares about it. He was a good person and I miss him. Sometimes I still find myself wanting to tell him things, knowing he would appreciate it. Tommy R.I.P

Happy November!

2005-11-01T19:03:00.000-05:00

Had a really bad time last week keeping on track foodwise. I went back to a lot of old habits. Finishing what the kids leftover. A nibble here, a taste there...then there was the sampling of cookies and all things halloween. I managed to lose 1.5lbs which was great, and so unexpected. Whoo hoo!!! How do I repay myself.....with a shit load of candy last night. I must say it did get it out of my system. What in the world is wrong with me....
Barry and I had a really enjoyable weekend. It was nice. Sorta felt like old times. Still something is off but I know he is trying. I am trying to.... I am beginning to think things will never be as they once were. I guess thats ok...I just miss the old us.
Went to the movies with my girlfriends on Sat. We saw Elizebethtown...not too hot..oh well. Had fun anyway. It is fun just hanging with the girls for no reason. I miss having friends.
I am such a dork. I almost forgot about Halloween last night. The kids were so fucking adorable I can't stand it...Joey was the blue power ranger, Frankie was Darth Vader. They got so much candy..Yikes!!! We went all over the neighbor until Joey could hardly stay awake..It was lots of fun.

date night

2005-10-28T12:36:00.000-04:00

Last night Barry took me out to the movies. We saw Two for the money. I have to say Matthew McConaughey is quite perfect. Hell, geez the man is hot. Anyway, going off on a tangent here...It was a nice night. We had a great time. As always I enjoy his company. There still is something missing between us, just can't put my finger on it. From our fight last week, sex or lack of it was a major issue. He decided we should take that out of the equation for right now. I have to agree. Back in the day we would have sex at least once a day..notice I said at least...we were like that for almost 7 yrs, mainly never skipping a day. Hmm maybe this is too much information. LOL anyways, since Joey was born almost 4 yrs ago my sex drive went south...so hopefully someone in florida is enjoying it..HA HA...Anyway it comes and goes in spurts. It has become a real problem for him, and an even bigger one for me. Then these days when we are not good...I really have no desire at all...Even last night I just didn't feel a connection between us. It is breaking my heart.
As for the program I have had a rough couple of days there as well. Monday night I made cookies for Joey's class. Boy, were they yummy..Opps I shouldn't know that. Then on Weds. I was back to my old eating whatever the kids leftover routine. So not good. I am hoping just to stay the same this week. I am also going to look into following the plan without the food. With the 3 of us being on it, it is just too much money. That saddens me as well, cause this makes life so easy. But hey when is life ever easy. Even Jac, is doing well on it. I mean she is losing at a much slower pace, but she only has 10-15 lbs to lose. Tonight is a movie night over at Frankie' school. I better take some tylenol with me.

life is just strange

2005-10-26T14:03:00.000-04:00

Lot's has happened since my last post. Had my 3rd weigh in. I lost another 2.2lbs, bringing my total to 15. Not bad, and for the most part it has been pretty easy. Some stuggle days, but I made it through. I am very pleased with NS. I just hope we can afford to keep doing it. I am thinking we can continue at least until the new year.
Things at home have not been too good. Barry and I have taken another turn for the worse again. Just seems like we can't get our groove back. Sunday things finally came to a head, when Barry once again lied to me. Although this time it was a white lie, it was something I saw him do and he just looked me dead in the eyes and lied straight faced. Normally I would just let it pass with a little spat and call him on it. This time it was just enough. I understand we all say some stupid white lies, but this to me was my final straw. He has a habit of bending truth to meet his needs. This last time just took any trust that I had away from him. Pretty sad cause I love this man with all my heart and soul. I just don't trust him. Not a good way to be. Emotionally I am just spent. I was having a hard time dealing with life before, but this just brings it all to a head. These days I don't even want to get out of bed. Just wish I would never wake up sometimes. I am so uncertain about our future, my future as well. Depression is setting in big time, and I don't know how to climb out of it. Not sure I could. Hopefully I just don't put anymore food in my mouth. The fight did bring a lot of old stuff back in the mix. Stuff I don't even mention anymore cause it never gets fixed. I told him I have 3 kids I don't want to have to mother him to. On Monday much to my surprise he started doing things around the house. Frankie's belt holder was put up, he fixed the speakers in the living room, he took out the air conditioners. He is trying. I just hope it lasts. I hate feeling this way. It is just aweful.

Sleepy day

2005-10-20T12:02:00.000-04:00

Morning all! I am super tired. Joey decided last night around 2:00am that he wanted to watch Blue's Clues. So he blasted his tape. Nothing worse then waking up to hearing Blue and Steve singing. Finally after realizing about half hour later that I couldn't sleep listening to it, I went in and turned it down. Damn I could still here it even low. Damn kid watched until after 4, and kept coming in to talk to me. Then Frankie woke up at 6:00. Once again why do they think I want to talk to them at that time....They'll learn ;)
I slept til after 8 which is bad. Frankie's bus comes at 8:20. I got him out the door in time. Thank god cause I didn't feel like driving him.
Today is a boring day and I will probably fall asleep watch cartoons with Joey today. Tonight Barry is in the city. It will be nice to have some alone time.
I have been really hungry the last few days. I guess that goes along with the pms. I am still enjoying most of the food. I just need to get my fat ass exercising. I like exercising as much as waking up early, so we'll see. I am fearing a weight gain from bloat. Even though I know it will be temporary I still hate to see the scale go up instead of down. I am going to have to break into my choc. desserts for tonight. I really want a candy bar!
Finally started doing more projects around the house. I took matters into my own hands. I hate to nag all the time, so I just did some myself. Barry did paint the wall in the living room, and he had to help with Frankie's door, cause it wasn't even. But it is all done now. Whoo hoo-now if he would just put up Frankie's belt rack from last Christmas we would be in good shape.
Enjoy the day :)

PMS SUCKS

2005-10-18T16:03:00.000-04:00

Hi All....Seems pms rapidly continues to wreck havoc on my system. I am hot, I am cold. I am happy, then I am sad, then comes bitchy...For certain nobody should mess with me today. For all you men out there, I feel for you. However, you should have to experience this once and you would be ever so forgiving when we are like this. It feels like you are possessed sometimes. Like someone just takes control of your voice and starts saying horrible things. I actually always feel bad for my kids. These are the days when they can do no right. Which is a bad thing, cause on regular days they drive me nuts. The little monsters have just settled in to watch Empire Strikes Back.
I like Tuesdays, as I can sleep an extra 30 minutes. For anyone that knows me, morning are not my favorite time. I would prefer to go to bed at 5am and wake up at 2:00pm. However even going to bed at 1AM I would still love to sleep until 2. That's just me I love my sleep. Anyway, on Tuesdays Barry drives Frankie to school for his "walking club". He gets a tad bit of exercise and I got some extra shut eye. For sure a win/win situation. Barry and Frankie also get to have some alone time too. Joey normally doesn't wake up until 7:30(unless he is jumping in my head at 6)so Barry and Frankie can enjoy a quiet breakfast. Well, as quiet as Frankie can be. Damn kid talks a mile a minute. LOL
After I took Joey to school. I dropped off way over due library books. Then back home to clean. Feels like that's all I do and it is never clean. I hate being a housewife. I am much better in an office doing stuff. This cleaning shit just isn't for me. Plus, I suck at it.
Barry made me happy last night and finally touched up the paint in the bathroom. Room still needs a lot of extras but as we approach the holidays that doesn't seem likely.
Frankie is giving me a play by play of the movie....I am thinking to myself "shut up kid. I have seen it a million times already". Why can't they just watch the movie. Arggggg
Tonight is another tv night. I need some relax time or I will blow. Barry keeps threatening to take me to a movie. We had made a pact about a year ago that we would make sure we still did things as a couple at least once a month. Hmm I think that lasted for about 2 months. Now the only things we do alone are school related. Oh well....

Whoo Hoo

2005-10-17T03:58:00.000-04:00

My 2nd weeks weigh in was this morning.Drum roll please.....I am down another 4.5 lbs..Whoo hoo I am so freaking excited I can't stand it. I have to tell you, that I feel like shit. Although I am finally taking control of my weight once more I still feel awful. I took some pictures to post on the NS site. I am a fat cow. I feel so ugly.
Ok enough about that. Last night was a good night. I love sunday tv night. Barry,Jackie and I watch desperate housewives, then Gray's Anatomy. Feels like besides dinner, this is the only time the 3 of us have together. Jackie is always busy with school and stuff. I miss her. Plus, I guess the idea of her going away to school is starting to sink in. We are spending the next month on almost every Sat. going to campus tours. So I figure Barry and I better be close to goal by the time she starts school, cause we will only be able to afford mac & cheese. LOL
Today is a pretty standard Monday. I do laundry all day. What fun. Bet everyone wished they were me today.LOL Plus, I have major pms, so everyone is just pissing me off. On that note I am going to end this for now.

My first post

2005-10-16T15:24:00.000-04:00

Hello all!!! This is my first post on this blog. I am just finishing my 2nd week on NS. Things have been going great so far. I am surprised how much I actually enjoy most of the food. There have been a few things that weren't so hot, but for the most part it is all good. My day started off ok, the kids were pouncing on us in bed this morning. Certainly not my favorite way to wake up. However, Barry and I kicked them out, and happily went back to sleep till way late. That was nice. Had great dreams of travel. Now Barry and I are enjoying a late breakfast. He made us blueberry pancakes. He is great at spicing up the NS food. I am so boring in that fact. He keeps things fresh for me. What a guy.Today is going to be a quiet day. I have to go grocery shopping,were running low on veggies. That would be my one main complaint. Too many salads. I am not a salad kinda gal. Oh well...I don't want to be a obese kinda gal anymore so I will deal.