Neko

Ok so sometimes I am so dense it scares me. I for the life of me couldn't figure out why I was having dreams about Tommy again. Then last night in the middle of the Bon Jovi concert(more about that later)bamm it hits me so hard. See Tommy was my high school sweetheart. We shared so many things in common. One of the main things was Bon Jovi. Sitting at the concert just brought back a flood of memories, just like it does everytime I see them. I can contain myself up until the point when they play"born to be my baby". Then the eyes start to sting and those darn tears are just so hard to keep in. There is a part to the song that states"and you know that you'll live in my heart till the day that I die". Well he will. He will always have a special place in my heart. I loved that man with my whole heart and soul. If only he would have taken the doctors advice, got put on medication and continued counseling. However, his mood swings and erractic behavior just got the best of me. Towards the last few years we had together I just fell out of a romantic type love for him. I felt like I was his mommy at times, and emotional punching bag at others. It was such a sad thing to walk out of the house that day. I knew I would never be coming back. The last thing we did as a couple was see two Bon Jovi concerts back to back. The worst moment of my life to date and quite possibly ever, was to get the phone call that he had killed himself. I can remember almost going into immediate shock. I don't know why cause I knew he would do it. I tried to have him committed. They wouldn't do so. Said he wasn't really a threat. The shrink had him sign a stupid fucking piece of paper saying that if I feel suicidal I will call and seek help. Yeah, I am guessing when the shotgun was in his hand, that was the first thing going through his mind. After 10 years I still can't get over the pain and guilt I feel. It is so hard sometimes coping with the thought that you caused someone to kill themselves. Yeah, I know it wasn't my fault. blah blah blah, spent a long time in therapy with that one. However, at the time I was denying how much pain I was in, and sorta never really focused on it. At some point I know I have to go on the couch again. I have so many emotions that still swirl around in my head. I often get depressed and just don't know how to handle life. I scare myself sometimes when I think Tommy really had the answer. Life gets to be too much to bare, just check out. It's better then being doped up or killing yourself with a bottle. Quick and easy. However, it's the ones you leave behind that pay dearly. Fucked me up pretty royally for life I imagine. I guess you just don't get over it. What is really horrible for me is I have no one to really talk about it to. I can't with Barry...hmm let's think about that one. "Honey I am still grieving my first husbands death, I miss him so much sometimes, and it hurts so bad". Not a convo for a nice nite of snuggling in the Chabala household I am guessing. It was so hard last night trying to hold back all the tears. My emotions were all over the place. On one hand I was enjoying the night and the other I was in silent grieve mode. Anyway.....
So the night was a bit hectic. Trying to get stuff done before dinner and having the babysitter coming over. I managed though...We get to the arena and it is jam packed. We bought food for the food drive, and a raffle to win front row seats. (didn't win of course) We get to our seats which looked pretty suckful. All the way at the top...I was scared walking up. They turned out to be pretty great seats. Get comfy then we notice that you can text messages on the big screen that had on the stage. It was cool. People sending love for the band and each other. I notice Barry texting something. Like a little school girl I get excited thinking he is going to profess his dying love to me for the world to see, like so many others were doing. I should know better. No, no professing of love for Roe. What he choses to text is to make fun of my other favorite guy, Bo Bice. What an asshole sometimes. I mean for one.. what about me, for the other why spend the time and energy to make fun of me and trash someone who is trying hard to become a household name. Barry might have slapped me across the face, cause that's about how it felt. I knew years ago I should have switched teams. Ok back to the boys on stage. Jon rocked his heart out last night. This marked something like 26 times, and he was just as energetic as the first time I saw him 20 years ago. The man has the finest ass going, and he can move it with the best of them. Both Jon and Ritchie were on point with each other. Reminded me of the early years. The crowd and the band were on fire.Made my little heart proud. They kicked ass!!! To end this post lets part ways with a quote from my Jersey Boys..."I wanna live while I'm alive...I'll sleep when I am dead!"